I watch a lot of movies, and I consider myself somewhat of a cinephile. If you’re unfamiliar with this term it means essentially the same thing as audiophile or pedophile, except instead of loving music or little boys, I love movies. I can sit though most any genre, though some are tougher than others, like rom-coms or foreign films. This is not to say that I don’t know the difference between a good film and a cinematic abortion, but even the worst films have redeeming factors however miniscule they may be. Compared to all of the movies I’ve viewed, and there are a lot of them, the absolutely worst thing I’ve seen in recent memory has got to be “The Green Hornet”. I watched this movie recently (thank god it was rented) and I think, from about 5 minutes in to the time when the credits finally rolled, I stared at the TV in disbelief and complete disgust. I couldn’t fathom how anyone involved in the creation of this abomination could look at themselves in the mirror the next morning. So what follows are a few of if the many reasons why this movie is such a complete and utter failure.
Like I said I rented this movie, and so by not seeing it in theatres, and not being filthy rich, I didn’t get to experience the 3D photography first hand. Be that as it may, because this is such a terrible movie I still know exactly what it would have looked like in 3D, and I don’t think I missed very much. This is because unlike even the worst 3D films being produced, which for the most part utilize the technology to provide depth to the image, The Green Hornet still treats it like the cheap whore it was in the 70s. It’s like the creators haven’t seen a 3D film in the last couple years and still think it’s cool to make shit “jump” out of the screen. It’s not; it’s tacky and cheap.
There is one scene where this is painfully obvious. Early in the movie when Seth Rogan’s character Brit and that Asian dude are first becoming friends, (an issue that I’m definitely going to shit on later) they arrive home after a night of trouble making. The pair decides to crack some beers and have some good ol’ boy time. The only problem is that they don’t have a bottle opener. Drats. Dubious as this may seem, given that they are in a fucking mansion, you go with it because Kato seems to have an idea. In some sort of karate chop/bitch slap hybrid he spins the bottle caps off and they fly across the room like gravity defying Frisbees and land in the garbage can. What the fuck? I’m sure at this point you can imagine where the 3D technology really shines. Aside from the obvious question of how the fuck did he do that, my biggest concern is that if these caps were twist-offs, why did they need the goddamn bottle opener in the first place?! Look, I didn’t sign up for an adventure thrill ride at universal studios, so quit trying to showcase this “new” cutting edge technology; it’s embarrassing.
If you were to walk in on this movie half way through, after your eyes stopped bleeding from the pure shock of what you were witnessing, you’d probably have a few questions. One of those might be, “Wow these guys sure seem friendly, I wonder how long they have known each other?” Answer: About a day and a half. It would literally be like if you asked the next person you saw if they wanted to be your sidekick in a crime fighting duo, because that’s pretty much exactly what happens in the film. Their sole bonding experience is a single outing which ends when they have to rumble with some local Toughs. That’s it! That one fight was all it took for these two men to decide that they should suit up and bring down the fucking mob. Seems legit.
But what act could be so profound that it would forever bond together two men of different upbringings and social strata? Just a little petty vandalism of course, isn’t that always the way? These soon to be BFFs decide to get shit faced and cut the head off of a huge bronze statue that was erected over Brit’s father’s grave. This is supposed to be symbolic of some traumatic event in Brit’s childhood, but like everything else in this movie they really drop the ball. I have more than a few problems with the scene, the least of which is its potential for a male bonding experience. Firstly, this is a massive bronze statue that is at least 10 feet tall; a nice solid monument that wouldn’t be out of place in a park or town square. Expect that it’s in a cemetery, and they unveiled it at the funeral. Now I’m no fucking master artisan but I’m pretty sure it takes more than a day or two to have something like this not only made, but also erected at the site. This means at some point this cocky rich mother fucker had a 10 foot tall bronze statute made of him. Seems a little presumptuous to me, that’s all.
Secondly, as I said before they planned to cut the head of this thing…and it was made of fucking bronze. Lucky for our retards in disguise the statue is hollow; however they still need a goddamn welding torch to cut through the metal. Really? A gas powered torch…In the middle of a cemetery. Yeah that’ll work. What the fuck Hollywood? At no point during the writing process did anyone say, “Hey, what is this disembodied lance hooked up to?” On second thought someone probably did say that, after which they were promptly fired for making too much sense.
If there was anything that should have saved this poorly written and ill conceived film it would have been Christoph Waltz and his award winning acting. Even the Jew Hunter though, couldn’t rise above the asinine script. But you can’t by any means blame the actor, especially not when they have his character changing his name to “Bloodnofsky” half way through, donning an all red attire, and carrying a double handgun throughout. Yes, a fucking double handgun; not a double barrelled gun, but literally two handguns slapped side-by-side with one grip. The last time I saw something that looked this retarded I was flipping past an Easter Seals Telethon on TV. Worse still though is that he continuously pulls this awkward hunk of metal out of his waistband to the surprise of whoever his adversary is at the time. Firstly, how loose are your pants, and secondly what blind-ass body guard doesn’t notice a rotary phone size bulge under someone’s sports jacket? Come on, this is a fucking joke right? Seriously Christoph, I really loved your work in Inglorious Bastards, but you really need to consider firing your agent because he shit the bed on this one.
All in all the only thing I could do while I watched this monstrosity is laugh awkwardly (not at their comedic relief attempts mind you) and shake my head. Throughout the film I had to keep reminding myself that this was indeed an actual big studio release, with a multi-million dollar budget, and not some student film or campy piece of shit that was supposed to be horrible. I debated whether or not I should preface this post with a “spoiler alert” but then remembered that something can’t be spoiled if it was never good to begin with. I hope that if this doesn’t convince you outright to never watch this movie, you’ll at least get baked first so that you can enjoy its unintentional hilarity and clumsiness. Which I guess might be it’s one redeeming quality; though that still isn’t enough for me to sit through it again.