July 2011
38 posts
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Things that brighten my day
When that guy who cuts me off and races down the road gets stuck at the same red light as me. All those formula one lane changes really made a difference jackass, you’re so much further ahead now.
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Fucking Technology
Dear Absent-Minded Texters,
Responding to a text is really not that fucking hard. I know you see that I’ve messaged you, because phones today will literally beat you over the head with notifications that you have a new message. There is also no conceivable way that you are too busy to pump a few words into your phone. But as god is my witness don’t you dare text me saying that you...
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Fuck your tomatoes
Dear Organic Food Eating Elitists,
Congratulations, I’m really glad that eating your organically grown tomatoes and pesticide free lettuce makes you feel better about yourself. As far as I’m concern eat whatever type of food makes you happy, but don’t you dare look down on me, and people like me, who chose to eat the regular run-of-the-mill tomatoes. That’s my choice, and i feel pretty fucking...
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Quidditch in RL
So apparently some colleges have started to form quidditch teams. From what I can surmise the rules are pretty straight forward resulting in a hybrid of soccer and maybe water polo, except you have to hold a broom between you legs for the duration if the game. I’m not going to go on about how gay I think this “sport” is because if you check it the pictures (there are a shit ton at...
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Why I Hate Mental Health Professionals and don't...
Yes, I’m aware that this is a painfully long post, but if you have any interest in mental health or are concerned about certain mental disorders it is definitely worth while.
Have you ever seen something that you knew was wrong, but everyone was allowing themselves to be taken advantage of by it? This is how I feel about the fields of psychology and psychiatry. Professionals in these fields...
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Things that Brighten My Day
When I am in line to pay at a store and I see a person ahead of me have their card denied, my mundane day suddenly becomes very worthwhile. They walked in the store that day ready to purchase something they desperately needed. With their errand in hand they made their way to the cash register; but it was there that this person, who always uses their plastics, will be in for a pleasantly awkward...
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How I would survive a zombie holocaust
I frequently find myself discussing, at length, zombie outbreak scenarios with my friends, particularly what we would do. A common question that always comes up, typically posed by someone’s significant other, is “if I were bitten by a zombie would you kill me?” It’s a fair question, but one that should always be answered with an unequivocal YES. If you hesitate to say this...
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If you don't know the lyrics, shut the fuck up
Dear Undiscovered Working Class Songbirds,
My problem isn’t that you sing along with the radio (or whatever else), my problem is that you do so regardless of whether or not you know the words. Don’t get me wrong, I love to sing aloud, but I take the time to learn the fucking words if I like a song enough. If you only know the chorus, don’t mumble your way through the verse; you...
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Make your Day More Interesting
Tip #4
Here is fun way to fuck with people using revolving doors. When you are on your way into a mall, or any other building really, follow a stranger to the entrance. When they enter their section of the revolving door, quickly jump in with them. Timing is monumental here, you have to be careful not to get stuck because aside from hurting like a bitch anything other than a clean entry will ruin...
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Fucking Fatties
Dear Parents,
Stop making your kids fat. It doesn’t take a fucking registered nutritionist to know that a steady diet of pastries and gravy will turn anyone into a lumpy piece of shit. You would think that after a lifetime of ridicule and abuse as a result of your own gross obesity you would want to save you children from experiencing a similar fate. How about you do some fucking parenting and...
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Things That Brighten My Day
When I see someone running full tilt for a bus, then when they are no less that 10 feet from the doors the bus drives off. Bonus points if while the bus fades into the horizon they throw their hands up, in a display of frustration and defeat.
Once I was fortunate enough to witness someone trip and fall flat on their face while running for the bus.
It was the must thoroughly sublime moment I...
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"English mother fucker, do you speak it?"
Dear Illiterate Pseudo-scholars,
I’ll start by saying that I am in no way a literary master. Everyone makes mistakes, and they are especially easy to make when you are on page 25 of a paper, or in the middle of a heated debate. My issue is that you continuously butcher the language as if you just don’t know any better. As such, I will take it upon myself to nip this problem right in...
Make your Day More Interesting
Tip #3
Upper deck a toilet at a party. If you don’t know, an upper decker is when you take a shit in the tank as opposed to the bowl. Essentially it fills the toilet with poop water when flushed; hilarious. I like to eat a lot of corn the day before because it really enhances “The Reveal”. You can also hang around near ground zero and enjoy the various reactions of the other patrons.
Some people...
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Fucking Technology
Dear Young Couples,
Dinner out with your sweet heart is always a nice treat, and even a pretty okay first date. You’re at a nice restaurant, they have your favorite beer on tapp, you’re with your first love; what could be better? You could talk to each other, share stories about your lives, have a generally simulating conversation; but that would be fucking boring right? If fact, do...
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Make your Day More Interesting
Tip #2
When someone asks you for directions, send them on a wild goose chase. If you know where they’re going, great, send them someplace else. If you don’t, then be really descriptive, use phrases like “if you hit such-and-such you’ve gone too far” or “if you feel like you should stop, don’t. Keep going, trust me.” Phases such as these make you...
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Fucking Hipsters
Dear Hipsters,
I don’t understand you, nor do I know how you manage to not only exist, but thrive. Sometimes I look at you and wonder if this is all just a big inside joke that I’m not privy to. Do you call each other up before you go out in the morning and have a challenge to see who can wear the most impractical, insane looking shit? As god is my witness, the next time I see...
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Make your Day More Interesting
Tip #1
So you’re a bored college/university student and you’re sitting around campus with nothing to do, here is a fun gag you can try.
Go to a lecture for a course you don’t take (get there early) and sit in front of a group of people (works best if they are uptight looking girls). Before hand load a bunch of porn pages and videos on your laptop and have them strewn about your...
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Goddamn Technology
Dear Building Owners,
I’m not sure why all of you are “upgrading” your toilets to the automatic flush, but if it’s to save water, which I suspect is the reason, it’s not working. Without fail your new space age sensors will trigger multiple flushes while I’m still sitting on the goddamn thing, and then at least 2 more times while I’m pulling my pants up. If that wasn’t enough as a final “fuck...
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Spoiled Bastards
Dear Douchebag Coworkers,
When I have to come in early and pull a 12 hour shift, don’t you dare say things like “only two more hours” knowing damn well that I’ll be here for another 10.
Go Fuck Yourself,
Everyone Else
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Fucking Fatties
Dear Fat People,
Don’t get on the bus and look at me like I should give up my seat so you can plop your fat ass down. I have no qualms about giving my seat to an old person, or some one with a legitimate disability. And let’s get one thing straight, regardless of what your self help hacks say, obesity is not a disability. You didn’t catch this or develop it due to some cruel...
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Fucking Hipsters
Dear Hipsters,
Just because something was moderately popular when we were kids doesn’t mean you can wear it “ironically” and make it cool now. A fanny pack is still a fucking fanny pack, and it looks stupid no matter which cliche 90s tv show is silk screened on to it.
Also wear clothes that fit, I’m so fucking tired of your ill fitting shirts and pants, I don’t...
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Fucking Flip-Flops
Dear Flip Flop Wearing Douchebags,
There is a time and place for everything, but when it comes to flip flops that window is very small. If you are in an aquatic setting, say by a pool or the beach, perhaps taking a shower after the gym, then fill your fucking boots. But once you leave these isolated subsections of our community put some goddamn shoes on. I sincerely hope that there is a sudden...
Fucking Rollerbladers
Dear Women,
Please stop having sex with men who Rollerblade. I suspect there is some recessive gene buried deep in their DNA that fills them with an overwhelming desire to glide around on those neon colored monstrosities. I know of only one way that we can ensure that this mysterious and destructive trait does not sully the gene pool for future generations, but ladies it starts with you. Unless...
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Satchel, Really?
Dear Men With Purses,
Simple, stop carrying a fucking purse. There was a golden time when only women carried purses, and men wore hats (real hats not those gay stylized fedoras that douchebags have been trying to popularize) and people treated air travel like an occasion. I’m not disillusioned enough to think that those days of lore will ever return, but that doesn’t you can take...
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You Are Not Lance Armstrong
Dear Cyclists,
I know that we’re supposed to share the road but that doesn’t mean you get to ride in the middle of the fucking lane. When you can peddle at 60+ km/h and not hold up traffic, then we’ll talk. Until then move the fuck over so that I can pass you without changing lanes.
Also stop dressing like you’re in the fucking Tour de France every time you go to the...
